The Social Cost of Anxiety
During a recent stroll through the 21st chapter of Proverbs, I discovered a verse I didn’t remember reading before. This sort of thing happens to me all the time and when it does, I tend to obsess over the meaning of this “newly discovered” text until I have some confidence that I understand what it is trying to communicate.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been cogitating on the following:
“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” — Proverbs 21:19
There are many lessons to pull from this little jewel and most, but not all of them have to do with issues arising within marriage.
This text is speaking of a certain kind of woman who’s character is bound up in argumentation and worry. I won’t attempt to persuade any one person that they are guilty of these sins but rather assume that there are plenty of women who recognize themselves in that description. Yet before I address them directly, I’d like to address the men about a few things.
Men, Let’s Talk
Firstly, this Proverb could just as easily be applied toward quarrelsome and fretful husbands. Since it is written about a particular kind of woman, I will take that angle throughout this article. However, on the outset, I would remind men that they too can be quarrelsome and fretful and in so doing, they become just as hard to live with as the woman in this Proverb.
Secondly, we must remember the greater context of the Proverbs is counsel given from an older man to a younger one. These kinds of Proverbs (and there are many) are meant to guide a young man as he chooses a wife. To the unmarried man, this Proverb serves as a warning. Quarrelsome and fretful women are not marriage material. Even though singleness can feel like a desert or like the corner of a rooftop (Proverbs 21:9), it is to be preferred over a union with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Thirdly, to men who are married to a quarrelsome and fretful woman, it is important to take this Proverb as a kind of warning about a temptation you will face while living with her. Namely, you will be tempted to withdraw.
In his helpful commentary on the book of Proverbs, J.A. Kitchen rightly states that this Proverb is descriptive and not prescriptive. It isn’t endorsing abandonment and especially when harmonized with the rest of scripture we see that abandonment or withdrawal from such a wife is unilaterally condemned.
These proverbs do not provide an ‘out’ for frustrated husbands. Rather, it encourages them to embrace the hardships of their reality and call them what they are. These proverbs acknowledge such a man’s pain, but the larger scope of Scripture promises God’s sustaining grace, even as he remains faithful in the midst of it.
Kitchen, J. A. (2006). Proverbs: A Mentor Commentary (p. 477). Fearn, Ross-shire, Great Britain: Mentor.
So if this verse isn’t prescribing husbandly withdrawal, then why does it make the observation in the first place? Well, as we just saw, this is exactly the kind of thing you want to warn unmarried men about. So there’s that. Furthermore we can take this Proverb as a kind of warning about the temptation those who are married to such a woman will face.
Being sensible to this temptation begins with an honest assessment of your spouse’s behavior. Does she like to argue? Does she tend to worry? If so, then name the behavior as God names it and then resist the accompanying temptation to withdraw into the margins. If you do not name the problem, you cannot anticipate the temptation.
Most men aren’t, at least initially, tempted to leave all together. Instead they are tempted merely to tolerate their wife’s behavior by withdrawing from spiritual leadership in the home.
The constant fighting or fretting can be wearisome and the easiest solution will often involve creating physical, spiritual, or emotional distance from the situation. You might even convince yourself that your wife is simply weak in this regard and therefore determine that the appropriate response is a kind of apathetic patience.
To be sure, patience toward a person caught in sin is always required (1 Thess 5:14) but the patience exhibited must be Christlike. Christlike patience is indeed long suffering but it never makes peace with a friend’s indwelling sin. Christlike patience presses the issue and seeks to help the other achieve repentance and victory over their sin. Even if a man merely withdraws from the battle, but remains in the home, he is in effect turning over his home to the wilderness. A home without engaged, functional, and Christlike headship is a kind of desert.
Finally to men, I say that this verse (and the many like it) make it plain that a man doesn’t have control over his wife’s heart. If a man could, in some distortion of Ephesians 5:25–27, simply “man up” and change his wife’s heart, he would do that instead of moving to the only slightly less miserable desert. A man is responsible for his wife’s spiritual condition but that does not mean he is to blame for it or that he can simply choose to make it better.
Men are to lay down their lives for their wives like Christ did (which means they can’t run away from hardship). Men do not have the same power of Christ to remove sin from their wive’s hearts. That view represents a kind of hyper-complimentarianism and is just plain wrong.
Therefore, for the fellas, we can conclude the following.
If anyone who is single and interested in a potential spouse who seems to struggle with being quarrelsome and fretful, then he or she should look elsewhere for a mate.
If anyone who is married to spouse who seems to be quarrelsome or fretful, then name those sins and so that you can resist the inevitable temptation to withdraw.
A man cannot transform a woman’s heart. Only “The Man Christ Jesus” can do such a thing. To place the power of sanctification into the hands of another human is to do harm to both sides. We don’t make each other godly. Christ alone does that.
Now, About Those Women
Having addressed the other party’s proper response to quarrelsome and fretful spouse, we will now turn out attention to the woman in question.
Quite often, especially in the case of chronic anxiety, the anxious party is aware of the incompatibility between their anxiety with deep social connections. People struggling with anxiety tend to struggle even more specifically with something commonly called, “social anxiety.”
Yet this verse is taking the opposite tact. It isn’t discussing the very real issue of social anxiety but is instead discussing the very real social cost of anxious and argumentative hearts from the other perspective. Namely, these particular sins tend to repel others from engaging in deep social interactions.
Every human being is responsible for constantly curating the company they choose to keep. Because we are finite creatures with limited relational bandwidth, we are forced into renegotiating our relational commitments on a regular basis and the means by which we do this will often be moral in nature. Those renegotiations will seldom be formal in nature. We seldom officially break up with a friend. Instead we allow some people to rise and others to fall on our list of relational priorities. This might not be right, but it sure as heck is common.
The simple brutal truth is that all human beings are anxious and worried and struggling to trust God (if they believe in him) and therefore it is natural that people will be looking to associate with other people who build peace and optimism in others rather than a strife and fear.
Yes, Christians are called to bear one another’s burdens and move beyond a merely transactional approach to relationships. Yes, Christians are called to build one another up in faith and good deeds. But it is important for the argumentative or anxious person to understand this call works both ways. You simply cannot be a chronic sour-puss and expect to have friends. To do so expressly ignores the very real consequences of your sin.
The Proverbs are written in such a way as to illuminate truth through comparison. The most obvious parallel in Proverbs 21:19 has to do with a man preferring to live in a desert rather than dwell at home with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Both things have pronouncedly wild swings in temperature.
Both things are full of danger.
Both things are generally inhospitable.
But the Proverbs man prefers to live in the place that is supposed to be those things rather with a woman who is supposed to be the opposite of those things.
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. — 1 Peter 3:5–6
This feels quite heavy and hard but please remember that God has redemptively designed the world to react to our sin in certain ways so that we can see how unacceptable they really are. He also makes our sins hurtful to others as a means of mirroring the way these sins offend him.
So another way of looking at Proverbs like 21:19 is see it as a cold brutal phenomenological reporting of an undeniable truth.
Being a quarrelsome and fretful person makes you difficult to be around.
Yet this truth, hard as it is, like all truth brings freedom. Throughout my years of pastoral ministry, I have seen many hundreds of instances of deep redemption and life change. What a privilege to report that I have known people with all kinds of seemingly intractable sins find real victory over them! Almost without exception (I cannot think of a single exception), the person who experiences dynamic positive transformation begins that climb to victory by hitting some kind of rock bottom by seeing their sin as genuinely grievous and horrific. And again, without any exception that can recall, these individuals see their sin that way when they see how it affects the people they love.
This is God’s most ordinary means for placing true repentance in the heart of a sinner. He allows us to hurt someone we love and then He allows us to see the pain in that loved one’s face or hear it in their words.
So for the person who is quarrelsome or fretful, I say this hard thing that is filled with life-giving hope. Come to terms with how difficult you are making life for those who love you. Get your eyes off yourself and consider the social consequences of your sin.
Since you are almost certainly not a selfish monster, this sober assessment of the harm you are causing to others (or will cause if you continue) is a potent force that can help generate real repentance. Yes, your sin is hurting you in various ways and yes, ultimately your sin is most grievous to God himself. But God has built the world in such a way so as to show you the offense he takes to your sin through the lens of horizontal relationships. For whatever reason, seeing our sin hurt others carries a more potent sting than seeing how it hurts ourselves.
When considering this Proverb further, one might wonder why quarrelsome appears in v. 9 while quarrelsome and fretful appear in verse 19.
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. — Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. — Proverbs 21:19
When consulting the commentaries, it appears that multiple explanations exist but for my part, I am reminded of this simple truth. People caught in worry are in fact quarreling with God. They arguing with his word, his past provision, and his promises for the future. In this way, a fretful woman is a quarrelsome woman.
Thankfully, the quarrelsome and worried Christian can stand in awe-inspiring confidence that God will not abandon us in favor of the desert! Though our friends and loved ones might be tempted to withdraw, the Lord Jesus Christ never will.
Indeed his enduring and long suffering love for us has been purchase by Christ’s own journey into the wilderness, outside the camp and up to the cross on Golgotha.
So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. — Hebrews 13:12
It was on the cross that Jesus made payment for our quarrelsome and fretful sins so that he could stay with us and keep working on our hearts. It is Jesus alone who promises, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Yes, the Christian friend or spouse of a quarrelsome and fretful person must resist the temptation to withdraw and lean into Christ’s positive righteousness to empower a patient, active, long-suffering love.
But the person struggling with these sins must understand how costly they really are. They cost Christ his life and in one way or another, they exact a cost on those you love. Let that hard truth encourage you take these sins seriously and let the firm truth of Christ’s unwavering commitment encourage you pursue repentance and life!